A year!!

So it seems that when I started this blog it would be a wonderful idea and hopefully a great way to keep in contact with family and connect with new friends. However it seems to have fallen off the track and I haven't done a single thing with it in nearly a year!
And what a year it has been. I realize I have grown so much in a year. I have learned to let go of a lot of things. I learned to open my heart and be more thankful for all the things I have in my life. I have had an emotional rollercoaster of a year. But it all has brought me full circle and I am learning that life is short and I need to enjoy it to the fullest.
In a year I made the decision to finally extend my family and start trying for another baby. In a year I learned that I was not going to be a mother again. Pregnancy wasn't in my future without some type of intervention. I learned that intervention wasn't something I could afford at this time and wasn't sure I would ever be able to afford it.
In a year I put up a wall between my husband and I. I was self absorbed and angry that I wanted another child and couldn't seem to get pregnant. I spent so many months being sad and depressed and it seemed to just be like the flip of a switch....
Why am I spending so much time being mad and unhappy about what I do not have and the baby I so desperately want with my husband when I have a beautiful son and daughter who mean the world to me. I have no right to be mad. God has blessed me twice. There are so many people who will never have the joy of their own child, or have lost a child. In comparison to that I am more than blessed. So when I learned to be thankful for what I have and not what I do not have, it became easier to live with the thought that I wouldn't have any more babies.
In a year I became a Godmother. My best friend got pregnant right before I started really trying. and her daughter was born a month after we learned that we could not get pregnant on our own. Being her Godmother and having her in my life has brought me so much joy. She is an amazing and beautiful gift from God and I am so blessed to be a part of her life! I am so thankful to her mother for giving me such an honor and I hope my sweet God Daughter will someday think I am as awesome as I think she is right now! She is amazing!
In a year I am learning to know God and trying to deal with the struggles and pulls of the world. Having not grown up to know God, I still am not sure what it is all about. I feel something on the inside of me that I can not explain. And at the same time I feel something else pulling me in another direction. I want to know The Lord. I know that through him all things are possible. I want to be a better person. A better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I want to invite him into my heart and into my life, but I don't know how to do this. I read so many wonderful blogs and the faith of these women is nothing more than astounding! They are so strong in their faith and their love. And I want to get there. I don't even know if anyone will ever read this but if anyone does I would love a helping hand to lead me along the way.
So in a year I have changed. And I am hoping I don't wait a year to post again. BUt in the next weeks, months, and years I am hoping that I will continue to change and grow and become a better me.